Because of this!!!

These are the folks I was hanging out with last week. I love them dearly and I really wish I could go. ;_; I would be tempted to sell something and get the money to go but I have to be home to lead services that weekend anyway because my dad will be in Israel.

Also, if any of you Pittsburgh/area people know anyone who's looking to sell a van that drives for cheap...my friends who are doing that event are looking for one! If any of you had the time to seek out information about a working cheap van and transmit the info to me, I would be verrrrrry grateful. Just throwing that out there!

I am in the most bizarre mood. I can't put my finger on it exactly. Hovering between the past and future, between the cycles of the moon, between the cycles of my body, in heart and in mind a sort of disconnected connectedness.

Listening to lots of Simon & Garfunkel helped somewhat. Also I miss keyake. And kung-fu-Ben. And my new kitten (named Lyra!). And some of my friends from Kallah. It usually takes me at least a few weeks for the memories to fade to a non-missing-people-level. But this was so sharp, so vivid...I wonder if the memories won't stick around. My whole life seems like it's been getting sharper and clearer and more vivid. It was so blurred as a child, even as a teenager. Now there are moments when I feel like I could cut myself on the edge of my own mind, lose forever the blurriness I've become so accustomed to. I still don't think in words, or pictures, or sounds, but rather in clouds and ideas and gestalts. My brain is a series of electric signals and my thoughts are an electron cloud. No one should wonder why I'm spiritual; I am wired in a way that precludes any other mode of being. I'm not attached to empiricism or phenomenalism or whatever because that isn't how I experience the world. This is why I love people, maybe, and why I think that there is no such thing as deserving or not deserving love.

Tomorrow I am hopefully going to hang out with a few soldiers from the local base who have been coming to services at my dad's shul the past few times I've been there. (Both times, ironically, have been Bar Mitzvahs, and we NEVER have those anymore! Lucky them. :P) They are both adorable fathers and showed my sister and I pictures of their kids. One of them was just diagnosed with something icky and will be hanging around longer than he or the army planned...I told him to tell me which hospital he'll be in so we can visit him.

Today I watched two movies with my sister, The Painted Veil, and Chaos Theory. They were both good, and they were both (serendipitously) about relationship snafus. I enjoyed them both, but oddly enough I like The Painted Veil better overall. Well, not THAT oddly considering the cinematography, location, and actors. But still. The Painted Veil is about two people who wear thick masks and try to pretend that it will all work out, and when it blows up in their faces they—or well, one of them punishes the other for it. Really, it goes from one person taking on punishment (rather unintelligently, in my opinion) to friction! to that person then over-expressing their pent-up frustration. (Semi-related: I want to see the 1934 version, because the plots seem rather different, even with the same characters. I also want to read the book.) There is just something about love blossoming out of destitution and adversity that I really...am drawn to, in a way. As opposed to Chaos Theory, which is more a quirky, love-conquers-all flick with a lot of improbable situations which only take so long to resolve because the characters keep massively overreacting to everything. I thought The Painted Veil was more subtle and realistic in its approach to human emotions and frailties. They are Real People (as one of the characters remarks later on) with real desires and interests and weaknesses. And as soon as they allow themselves to be who they truly are, they begin to find things to admire in each other. Really admire in a heartfelt way, rather than pettily admire in a shallow way.

It makes me think about the people who lead largely surface-interested lives. I've seen people say that being shallow is worthless or in some way those lives have less value than those involved in more "deep" endeavors. But really...isn't it all subjective? I think the point of The Painted Veil is, in a way, to demonstrate that when people choose not to communicate from a place of honesty regarding their particular interests, or when they deliberately disregard other people's interests, that conflict emerges. I tend to call those interests Priorities with a capital p. And my brain, for some time now, has been turning over and over this philosophy that the differences between people can in some ways be summarized into Priorities. Recognizing those Priorities for what they are can lead to much more efficient communication. But, I suppose, only if one is willing to let down the drawbridge over the moat and be willing to communicate across unfamiliar territory without taking things personally and without unnecessary assumption. Also, this whole philosophy and line of thought implies and assumes an interest in accurate communication. Perhaps some people are less interested in accurate communication and more interested in getting what they want, or deliberately shrouding their communication in mystery. I do not understand the desire to not want other people to understand where I'm coming from and what I have to say. I mean, intellectually I'm capable of comprehending it, but you could say that since my Priority is communicating with people, loving and having compassion for people...that I am something like the polar opposite of shrouded communication.

In some ways, my most important Priority is to make people feel loved. I told kung-fu-Ben this (in more maudlin detail) and he said something like, "So basically you want to be the Earth." And there is some truth to that. I always thought of it as a more ethereal sort of love-energy, but in some ways I think we all take that level of ethereal comfort from the ground beneath our feet. And part of my personal identity is this corner of my mind which is always, always connected to that place of constant-love. And constantly wanting others to feel loved. I first put words to this when I saw the episode of Cowboy Bebop with Gren many years ago. And sobbed so hard because I never want anyone to die alone. It isn't just a fleeting sort of want like sympathy or even empathy. It borders on personal identity.

But I should get sleep. I slept 14 hours Friday night, dropped off at 8pm and never looked back. Clearly I'm working hard. :P

~*~

When love and duty are one, grace is within you.

Got back today at 1pm. Ate something, said goodbye to my family, headed back to my apartment briefly to play with MY NEW KITTEN THAT JOSH GOT WHEN I WAS AWAY and then off to work.

Work was cool.

I came up with a list of names. I'm leaning toward Lyra. But I still really like Selena/Lena. >.>

( Picture! )

I was thinking about going to the goth club tonight but I think instead I'm going to shove all the stuff on my bed to onto the floor and go to sleep. My room is so crowded I feel almost claustrophobic and the rest of the house is so messy that it is kind of making my head hurt. I kind of wish Josh had been just a little more proactive about cleaning. He does too. I'm not, like...annoyed about it or anything, I just...wish it were already done, or at least only at the same level of messy I left it. Thinking about cleaning is kind of making me want to bury my head in the sand.

We're taking the kitten to the vet tomorrow. And by we, I think I mean Josh, depending on when it is. We're keeping her in the bathroom till then, cause she had fleas. Josh washed her but you never know. And we have some white powdery stuff that's a natural anti-flea thing. I forget what it's called.

The Kallah was a focal point of the year in terms of spiritual growth, experiences, personal connections. There was massive deja vu, there were new people connections and renewing existing connections.

( Some details. )

I am so tired now...I think I'm just going to go to sleep. Say goodnight to kitten and brush my teeth and then go to sleep. >D More babble tomorrow, perhaps.

So much high.

Kirtan last night, which is a back-and-forth chant. Traditionally of the names of god. This was a Jewish Kirtan which was unbelievable.

I've been in a very meditative place this Kallah, much more so than perhaps I have ever been in my life. There have been a lot of changes, and additions, in a relatively short time, so I'm trying to process those, and also trying to move on, to move forward to start DOING what I need and want and should be DOING.

It is not possible to vocalize.

In class this morning, singing as spiritual vehicle, ack I have to go, but my point is, in this rambling comma-laden way, that I had three distinct moments of satori this morning and if possible I will vocalize them later.

Involves: nishmat, breath, life, connection, we all are singing praises, even when we aren't singing, and even when we aren't praising.

Yesterday was the most simultaneously insane and awesome day I have had in some time. Lately, those two things have been mutually exclusive; it's great to see them in combination once more.

( Juicy details, minus photos (for now). )

دنیارابگوییدچطورآنهاانتخاباتمان دزدیده اند
Tell the world how they have stolen our election


You know, I don't involve myself in politics often, international, local, or otherwise. This seems to me to be worthy of publicity, more than worthy. Necessary. If you didn't know this, tell people. If you did know this, tell people. Seems like spreading the word in this age of information is sometimes the best way to prevent wholesale abuse of countless people's intelligence and humanity.

That being said, I am about to get mushy for a second. You were warned.

Camping trip was a success. I have been reminded of my place in the universe, and the universe's place for me. Also, with the cool people yay.

Oh my god I cannot brain right now. So tired.

These trifles are collected and republished chiefly with a view to their redemption from the many improvements to which they have been subjected while going at random "the rounds of the press." I am naturally anxious that what I have written should circulate as I wrote it, if it circulate at all. In defence of my own taste, nevertheless, it is incumbent upon me to say that I think nothing in this volume of much value to the public, or very creditable to myself. Events not to be controlled have prevented me from making, at any time, any serious effort in what, under happier curcumstances, would have been not a purpose, but a passion; and the passions should be held in reverence; they must not - they cannot at will be excited, with an eye to the paltry compensations, or the more paltry commendations of mankind.
~E.A. Poe

Oh Edgar A., I want to marry you. ♥_♥

But seriously. I'm on a poetry-reading binge again. I got Frost's "Two Tramps in Mud Time" stuck in my head yesterday, and I only know the last two verses. XD

I'm so going to post one of my favorite Poe poems cause I can. I've probably posted it a million times, so under a cut it goes!

( Alone. )

Cat Yodeling, Advanced. You only wish I were kidding. >D (Ironically, keyake's cat does this, and I never thought of the youtube comic potential.)

If any of you were curious about my favorite Tchaikovsky symphony (I know, I know, you were DYING of curiosity), it is the following:
Manfred Symphony Pt 1 (1/2) (2/2)
Manfred Symphony Pt 2 (1/2) (2/2)
Manfred Symphony Pt 3 (1/2) (2/2)
Manfred Symphony Pt 4 (1/2) (2/2)

Yes, I just searched them all out and posted handy links for you all. I love it that much. :3

Life is going well, I must say. This coming week will be insane, as I am subbing for my mother from 9-noon in Petersburg Mon-Thurs, as well as working overtime at the yoga studio trying to prepare for my vacation in a few weeks. And also, Reilly and I are going camping next weekend, leaving Thurs night. (Yay setting up tent in the dark! ...especially since I haven't set up a tent in damn near a decade.) So, I need to pack for that somehow (which means copious amounts of laundry must be done...well, I guess not if I only wash for the trip), as well as buy food. Any suggestions for good camping food from the peanut gallery here? So far I plan to bring apples, carrots, cereal and/or breakfast bars, water...and possibly MREs (meals ready-to-eat, army food). MREs aren't as shareable, though, so maybe I should figure something else out? Canned food is possible perhaps.

I have been trying to figure out ways to get to Wisconsin and visit my godson. I think when and if I ever get a friggin sub trained for my job it won't be as big of a deal. But since right now the only sub for me works totally someplace else and has to ask off her job to sub...yeah, I'm stuck. Which, don't mistake me, I looooove my job. My boss and I get on wickedly well, and I like what I'm doing, even the tedious parts.

So anyway. Insane week to come is good, though, because it will help cover expenses. :D

*flails in a vague way about this guy I totally like and am going to talk about Stuff with at some undetermined time in the hopefully-near future* Mostly I just want to make clear that if he doesn't feel the same way I am tooootally okay with it. Friendship is the most important thing to me. I'm USED to liking people who don't like me back. Hell, I was in love with Josh for a long time, and he was and is still one of my best friends! I just don't want to screw up by NOT saying something because of fear. And I suppose I'm still partly motivated by the desire to speak my mind. Part of it is honesty; I can't stand white lies by withholding information. And part of it is selfish; I process things by expressing them, so regardless of the end result, I will have gotten stuff moving in my brain. >.> The determining factor of how long I wait and watch is whether I judge my motivations to be more selfish or less so, I think.

Also, I have wasted far too much time on facebook tonight, wtf. Usually I don't, but I've only been visiting it on my phone lately, which doesn't let me do anything really, other than view status updates. So yeah. >D Quizzes and Tchaikovsky, basically. Woooot.

Oh jeez, I should go to sleep now. It's 2am and I have to get up at 8:30 to go with my mom to this thing. Then I'll come home to lots of kung fu work. And hopefully some laundry and a nap in there somewhere.

Oooh, youtube has Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty as well. >D

I have about $10 to my name right now. Payday is Fri and I have enough food and gas to get there but I'm pretty sure that this coming paycheck is a small one...maybe not even enough to cover rent. Shit. Which is due by Sunday. Plus there are other expenses I don't even feel like detailing but I need them paid asap and I don't know if I can. *flail*
I have less than $100 left in my savings so that isn't going to be too helpful. I think I mght ask my parents for enough to cover expenses if I have too. Sigh. I've been doing so well! I guess everyone has months like this, right?

Otherwise life is pretty damn good. I have people whom I love very much, and I'm super-busy. And starting to get into music cause omg!

I GOT ACCEPTED!! I recorded a demo a while back (which sounds great, let me know if any of you want me to email it to you) as part of applying to perform at the Kallah ths summer and I'm totally accepted! Squee! Ohshit that reminds me, I need to call Eli and ask if he'll play drums or somethng with me since Amitai can't play with me (woe!!).

I have an original song I can finish to perform but I was thinkng about doing something else...need to sit down and figure this out at some point.

Niiiik might be visiting later which is icing on the cake of this year. I wish July 4 were on a Monday so I could go visit Don and have it be financially worthwhile. Heh. Curse this lack of teleportation!

Glee glee glee. And I have become good friends with Ann and Reilly, which is beyond awesome. I'm working on kung fu Ben, but Jew-Ben and i are total bffs, srzly. It's too cute for words.

Reilly and I have a brief evening of chilling on her porch planned when she gets off work in like...an hour or so. I'm hanging around waiting for this eventuality. Muhahaha.

In unrelated news, putting a freezing bottle of whiskey into a backpack and walking places is a brilliant air-conditioning technique. Nuff said.

Oooooh free cake!!! Bye guys!

Oh my god I should have never brought my awesome dumbek to sunday school. The kids fucked it up by treating it like a snare and hitting it with sticks. I want to cry but I have an hour left before I'm done. Then I think I'll cry.

I have discovered the iLike music feature on Facebook. I am never going to study for this exam. (I guess I'll just get a B in the class. It doesn't matter anyway, since I can't get a lip ring regardless. *frooown*)

Also, I read my English paper again today and found two typos in the text and one in the annotations. I'm pretty sure it's just those three though, which is good because I'm only allowed three mechanical errors...I hope they don't take my grade down or anything. Also, I spent half the time thinking about how I can improve the paper. It seemed SO unclear reading it today. Maybe that's because I'm still too close and it's all jumbled in my head.

I'm tired, and have allowed the internet to distract me from studying. Well technically, I started out studying on the internet (since most of the stuff I haven't looked at is the web links for class) but...whatever. I kind of want to go to sleep now. Instead, I'm sure I'll end up on iLike for a while. >D

There is nothing quite like walking out in a storm, barefoot and wrapped only in a sarong.

I was releasing a mouse some miles away (I drove) in Hollywood Cemetery. And as I was rinsing the mouse-container in a puddle, some poor, well-meaning normal person pulled over and asked if I was all right. Never better! They must have thought me drunk or high at 1pm, to be rinsing plastic things in rainpuddles by the cemetery, barely clothed by non-beach standards.

My only regret is that I bow to propriety enough to not go out in the rain wearing even less. Other people be damned, sometimes thunderstorms call me, and I can only ever give an imperfect answer. Such is life.

One remaining exam, tomorrow. Then all free. I need to sell back my books for some extra money.

ETA: Or, as I put it on facebook (in a good moment of poetry):
Sarah walks barely clothed through thunder and rain, and then is amused when she freaks the mundanes.

This. Yeah.

Went to sleep again at 6 with 12.5 pages done, got up at 9:30 am still rolling. Yeaaaaaaah!

But um. Mostly just this icon. >D Even though this is the worst and after this I just have one exam NEXT week on sociology of religion. For which I will study my ass off, because I got a high C/low B on Exam 3 since I didn't study, and I want to get an A in everything, dammit!

Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Oh, and if all goes according to plan I am going to get my lip pierced as soon as Sunday School lets out for the year. Like, the day afterward if possible. Then I'll have all summer for it to heal and by the fall I should be able to put in a clear plastic thing to avoid unwanted attention from the children. >D I'm excited. I'm getting it pierced on the lower lip, right in the middle. I want it to be a ring, but I need to ask my yoga!boss if that's okay or if she thinks I would scare away any of our customer-base. A lot of them are kind of old, and sometimes that stuff doesn't fly, so...we'll see. If not, then a labret should be fine. <3

SAME BATTIME SAME BATCHANNEL, PEOPLE. I'll post the paper here when I'm done for your perusal and delight? Sure. I'll keep telling myself that. XD

Went to METAL SHOW on Saturday. Five hours of METAL: four opening bands, and then Cannibal Corpse. It was so awesome. Of course, three of those five hours (or thereabouts) were spent headbanging and thrashing and such. So. My neck is kind of in rebellion right now, but I just took more Motrin, and I thiiiiink it's working somewhat. Yeah. Yay! It didn't do anything this morning. I just had to suck it up and go to work with my five or less hours of sleep and sore neck, haha.

I am finishing my English paper. It is due tomorrow at 1pm. I have three pages left. I CAN DO THIS, GUYS. But I'm afraid that I have some weird slave mentality thing I need to break open, move past clinging to present failures as a method of avoidance and masochism. I think I can do it. But as you can see, it's hard for me to concentrate when it's so damn HOT HERE.

I can't believe it went from 40s and 50s (and 60s maybe a few times) to 90s. WTF 90s. W. T. F. I HATE YOU, NINETY DEGREES. >:-| It says it's only 72º now, but I'm still so hot in my room...with my laptop on my lap. At least I got my fan to blow on me through some strategic repositioning of my bedside kitchen stool, haha.

I'm really tired all of a sudden too...I took a brief nap (half-hour) earlier in the day, but it wasn't really enough. :-/

I have already informed Ben and Ann that there will be celebrations tomorrow night in honor of my finishing my paper. Josh says this is premature as technically I haven't. I responded that it was a great motivator. XD I should figure out where I want to go and text people. Hell if I know. I'd LIKE to go to Fallout, but I'm not sure I'd be able to drag Ben there and I wanna hang out with him too. XD

I CAN DO THIS. OKAY. *to 13 pages, or beyond!*

ETA:

It is almost 4 ammmmm and I am much closer to being done. I've hammered through the paper a bunch of times, fiddling, fixing, adding, and I think I'm satisfied. So now I can write my closure (10 points off automatically if we use the word "conclusion," hehe).

I have "Behind Blue Eyes" stuck in my head because that's what was playing at Crossroads when I left. Darn The Who for their catchy tune!

I took another nap from 12:30-1:00 because I was totally nonfunctional. Waking up took a little while, but I am now more functional than I have been so far today! Which is awesome. I'm hungry though...I think I'll have some bread since I'm taking a break.

Oh god I can't wait for this to be done. It's like pulling out my own damn teeth to do this kind of thing. And it's such a pathetically short paper. 13-15 pages my ASS. I should be able to write this shit in my sleep, especially when the process is laid out and I have an entire semester to do it. But I've spent so long deliberately NOT doing this stuff and avoiding these assignments that I think I've forgotten how to actually DO them. Sometimes I take my independence-from-authority thing a bit too far, maybe.

Anyway. To bread, and then to paper closure. Oh, and two more annotations for my new sources. I think I might be done after that...no wait I need to write a 2-3 page reflective letter about how the process worked for me. Blar.

In better news, I had me some delicious free sushi thanks to Ben's roommate and two of his...cousins, I'm pretty sure. They're great. <3 I love sushi. And there was the cuuuuutest most awesome dog and playing with her was exactly what I needed. And watching other people play with her. There's something about animals, and dogs in particular, which causes people to drop their masks. I love watching people's faces as they play with dogs.

In better news yet, my neck is practically back to normal. The ibuprofen must be working or something. >D

BACK TO THE GRIND! *wpshhhh*