I've been busy. School kind of sucks this semester. I feel pretty good about my social life, though, so that's something. Making connections is what I do, heh.
My cat is unwholesomely cute. She just got up after like two hours of sleeping on my feet as I watched the latest episodes of Dexter. (Cannot wait until the new one toniiiight...omg.)
One of the reasons I like that show so much is because of the way it addresses masks...social masks, family masks, career masks, even masks when you're alone. I think everyone wears masks depending on where they are, what they're doing, who they're with. The people who deny it are usually simple, not very self-aware. This gives them problems but it also makes them less complex. When people become more self-aware, their insides gain much more complexity. It's all very fascinating.
I've been going through my old writing a lot lately. It's...bizarre. I have definitely gotten a lot more cynical, a lot more pragmatic, rational. Balanced, really.
I'm in such a strange mood. Seeing all my old thoughts, old philosophies... it's a bit disturbing, in a way. Remembered innocence and all that. For example, back then I still
wanted to love everyone. I even ran across a few things championing the idea of loving everyone equally. Bizarre. Just...yeah. I don't really look at things the same way these days at all. I still like people, can't help liking people. I've moved past resenting that to just accepting it and doing my best to not let it affect my judgment.
The other interesting thing I'm gleaning from looking at my writing is that I am revisiting that state of semi-depression/dissatisfaction which is expressed in a lot of things. Like the following poem:
( Examination )I really enjoy reading my old poetry, even when it really sucks, because it's like a window into exactly what I was feeling. As I read it, I can suddenly remember writing it. It has this personal meaning for me that goes way beyond being "good" or "bad" poetry. I don't plan to inflict the really crappy stuff on other people, though, heh.
On an unrelated and interesting-in-a-different-way note...I think I may actually have found someone who is interested in me who I like back. Still too early to call but...interesting nonetheless. We've been friends for a while and always got along really well, like we'd known each other forever. I can talk about my strange, strange neuroses and issues, heh. I am being cautious because I think we need to get to know each other just a bit better before making that call. And I want to evaluate the place of lust as well as perhaps a redirected crush from someone else with whom I've been hanging out lately. I mesh way better with the second person...aeons better. It's kind of insane to even consider the one in light of the other. Emotions are such fickle things. (On the plus side, having a bit of doubt cast on the crush is making it really easy to function with both people, cause I don't feel like my emotions are trying to back me into a corner.... I am so weird.)
It's such a crazy world, where you have to second-guess your motives all the way to the finish line. I feel kind of obscure, like an outdated model of myself. I need a more advanced protoype...mimetic poly-alloy? (Referencing...? Bonus points!) Life would be easier with liquid steel emotions, maybe. Hehehe.
I guess I'll read more Pratchett while I wait for the new episode to be uploaded. Omnomnom. I feel better, as always, after writing things down. My life is full of a lot of scary things right now, changes and rearrangements and new people and new emotions and reevaluating lifelong philosophies. Like, oh, I am more okay with the idea of having a child myself, getting pregnant and all. I wouldn't say that I
want to, but it's something that I'm actually willing to *gasp*
consider now, instead of being totally out of the question. I'm not sure exactly when this change took place, but it's within the last few weeks. Craziness.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
of_carabas in a certain way. Something in the face, maybe. (She is SUPER CUTE omg.)
bouncy
happy
amused
sleepy
mischievous
tired
stressed
cheerful
busy
accomplished
contemplative